World's Best Jokes

*
The September 2009 Reader's Digest published some jokes from around the world. Here are three of my favorites (paraphrased, not exact replications). ENJOY!

On his deathbed, a old man gathers his family around him and says "I need to tell you my greatest secret." His voice is weak so they lean in close to hear him. He says, "when I was young, I had a lot of girlfriends; I had money and fast cars. Then a good friend told me I needed to start a family or else no one would be there to give me a glass of water on my deathbed. So I took his advice. I got rid of the girlfriends and got married. I sold my cars and started college funds for my kids. And now here I am, and you know what? I'm not even thirsty!"

*
The indian tribe asks their new chief if it's going to be a cold winter. But the new chief is young and never learned the ways of his ancestors. So he tells the tribe to go out and gather firewood, and while they're gone he calls the National Weather Service to ask. "Looks like it," he is told. So when the tribe comes back, the chief tells them it will indeed be a cold winter and sends them out to gather more firewood. A week goes by, and the chief wants to be sure, so he sends the tribe off again to gather more firewood and he calls the Weather Service again. "Are you sure it's going to be a cold winter?" he asks again, and is again told that it will be, so yet again he sends the tribe out to gather more firewood. While they are out, he calls the Weather Service one last time. "How do you know that it will be a cold winter?" the chief asks. "Because the indians are gathering firewood like crazy," is the answer.

*
A city guy is out hunting in the country and shoots down a duck, but the duck lands in a farmer's field. The farmer claims that it is his duck since it fell in his field. After a bit of arguing, the farmer suggests an old-fashioned hick-kick. "I'll kick you in the crotch as hard as I can, and then you do the same to me, and whoever screams the least gets to keep the duck." The city guy agrees, so the farmer kicks him in the nuts, and the city guy falls to the ground in pain for several minutes. When the city guy is finally able to get up, he tells the farmer, "okay my turn." "Nah," says the farmer, "you can keep the duck."